Do’s & Donuts
A play in Two Acts
By Linda L. Treiber
6139 Sunnyvale Drive
Orlando, Florida
32822
407/506-7387
LLTreiber@aol.com
Setting
Mishap Gap, North
Carolina at the town’s renowned beauty parlor/donut
shop, Do’s & Donuts.
Cast
of Characters
Veeta Whitmire Owner of donut shop and sister
to Mira Whitmire
Mira McCall Owner
of beauty salon and sister to Veeta Whitmire Married
to Earl McCall
Earl McCall Married to Mira, came from outside
Mishap Gap
Willis Deerhorn Police
chief for Mishap Gap
Cecil Older
gent of few words, former hobo, lives in a tent
Mrs. Galloway Elegant retiree enjoying her mountain
home
Barry Rothstein Book
Publisher from NY
Felix Armbruster Attorney
and speculator from Atlanta
Firelight Whitmire Veeta
and Mira’s mother
Gianna New
to Mishap Gap, works in beauty salon
Do’s
and Donuts
Act One
Scene
1
Mishap Gap, North Carolina. Spring.
About 2:30 am. The front porch of
the shop called “Do’s ‘n Donuts” is a wooden deck ringed with a varied
collection of thrift store outdoor furniture, twinkle lights, homemade wooden
objects de art, and potted plants. It is night, and the porch is lit by a
streetlight listing haphazardly from the corner of the building. A pup tent illuminated from the inside by
lantern light is set up near the back corner of the porch in the shadows. A circular staircase runs up the side of the
building leading to a front door on a second floor apartment where Veeta lives.
She is single, in her forties, and in
the proprietress of the “Donuts” side of the store. She is tall, long hair and wears latent
hippy-ish garb covered with a baker’s apron.
She sits rocking on the porch having a nightcap listening to harmonica
music emanating from the pup tent. She
looks up and toasts to the stars. A
train whistle and a rumble punctuate the sound of the music and crickets.
Suddenly a blaze of headlights spray across her and
the sound of car tires come to a stop in the gravel drive. Music, crickets stop. Train trails off and Veeta stands-
VEETA
(Holding her hand over her eyes
to see past the headlights)
Hello? Shop’s closed.Can I help y’all?
MIRA
Veeta!
I’m so glad you’re up!
(Panting, with an edge of panic)
Veeta,
come here quick, I need your help.
(Car door closes, trunk opening sound)
VEETA
(Leaving the porch toward the
headlights)
Mira! What’s goin’ on? It’s late…Why aren’t you home? …Oh my God,
what the hell happened here?
MIRA
I
don’t know…I don’t know…He was there layin’ in the road. I was driving back from the Country Club
through the property and I damn near ran off into a ditch. I couldn’t leave him. Think he’s a goner?
VEETA
I
can’t tell. No, wait, there’s a
pulse. Let’s get him up to the
porch. What’s that sticking out?
MIRA
(Gagging)
Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap…
VEETA
C’mon, Mira, get his feet…
Mira and Veeta approach the porch carrying a
body of a man. He is limp and bleeding
and resembles a pin cushion.)
VEETA
I’m headin’ for the bench. You with me Mira?
MIRA
(Crying
and snorting)
Yeah.
Yeah. Oh my GAWD!
Mira is as tall as Veeta, but
is the complete opposite in appearance with short, well-maintained hair, long
manicured nails, elaborate yet running makeup, and an elegant blood-stained party
dress on…She kicks her high heels off to get better leverage on the deadweight.
VEETA
(As they lay the body down)
Hush
up you priss. Cecil’ll hear you. Ok, now, whew, he looks like a fresh hunted
buck. Crossbow arrows. I don’t think
anything vital’s been hit though. All
legs and arms. Oh, and this even grosses me out, there’s one under the skin
across his chest. (She backs off, rifles
his pockets) He’s got no i.d. Good lookin.
He’s breathin’. We better call an
ambulance…
MIRA
NO!
No…We can’t. You gotta fix him. You’re the nurse here. Do your thing.
VEETA
(Looking at her like she’s got
two heads)
That
was years ago. I’m rusty…Just how many brandy alexanders did you drink up there
at the Club tonight anyway? I’m
callin’….
MIRA
Veeta, HONEY, you can’t.
VEETA
Well why the hell not? What did you do? Hit him with the car too?
MIRA
No,
no. Here’s the thing… I know those crossbow arrows. They’re Earl’s practice bolts. He marks them with this red paint here to
prove to his hunting buddies that he had the best shot when they’re practicin."
(She points to the arrows
sticking out of the body and gags)
You
know how competitive he is.
(She grabs a towel on furiously
wipes at the blood on her dress)
Damn
it, I was going to take this back tomorrow…
VEETA
Are
you genuinely telling me that Earl shot this guy? Because if you are, (With rising glee) here finally is my
opportunity to put the low-life chicken-shit scumbucket of a husband of yours
away forever…Yeah, honey, I’m callin’…Whoo hoo!
MIRA
NO!
Veeta, PLEASE don’t. Just pull ‘em
out. C’mon sugar, just yank ‘em and
we’ll put him somewhere for someone else to find…
VEETA
(Stares at Mira for a beat)
You know what time it is? It’s time for you to get on the clue train and me to have some liquids.
(She
finishes her nightcap in one furious gulp)
MIRA
Please? PLLEEEEEZ? Please, please, please…Veeta,
what’ll happen to me if Earl’s put
away?
VEETA
He’ll
get life? You’ll get a life? A few less
opportunities to wear your sunglasses at night?
I see no down side.
MIRA
(She flinches)
I
get it. But the anger management therapy is working for him! I swear he hasn’t lifted a hand to me in
weeks. (Faux cheeriness) C’mon, darling’, just let’s pop these out of
this fella and go dump him near the hospital or somethin’…
VEETA
Mira,
I am just so tired of yanking your beans out of the fire all the time…What was
Earl thinkin’? What did this guy do to
piss him off?
MIRA
Well,
probably nothing but just drawin’ breath.
I think he came from that hobo camp on The Property from the looks of
it. Honestly honey, I actually do know
what got him going. Our little time at
the Country Club wasn’t so hot. He was
so excited to be invited to that big Golf Banquet tonight. Bought a new suit. Got a shave.
Bugged me to get all gussied up.
Said he had a big deal brewin’ about the family property.
VEETA
You mean Mama’s property?
MIRA
Well, yeah, I guess. He’s just looking out for all our
mutual interests.
VEETA
Horseshit.
(She gets white towels and
blots the blood and mud from the man’s face)
This
fella’s a looker. Here now – Press down
to stop this bleeding.
(They continue to care for the
pierced man all through the following dialogue.)
MIRA
Anyway,
all those doctors, lawyers, investment bankers…We were really fish outta water,
you know? We were the pet local yokels
the summer folk adopted for the season. Earl was tryin’ so hard to make an
impression on those city folk with his big ideas, but he had too many Jack
Daniels and, well, I left ‘cause I couldn’t take it anymore. They were makin’
fun of him…and me in such a “gracious and sophisticated way.” Snotty. The drunker he got the more he went on about
that damn railroad and the tramps ruinin’ his property value with their camp
down on our land…
VEETA
…so
instead of flipping off the gentry and just going home, he went out and hunted
himself a hobo. Fine fella you
married. This is outta hand. I’m callin for help…
MIRA
NO. Alright, here it is Miss
I’m-Gonna-Go-By-The-Book. What if we
tell and the law lets Earl walk? OJ got off
for heaven’s sake! And that jury
wasn’t a backwater herd of inbreds what put him back in a golf cart. Earl’ll be vengeful, Veeta. A poisoned dog
here, a burnt down donut shop
there…You know what I mean. And, I don’t
trust the legal system here…He’s friends with, sorta, or has bullied everybody
in this town…
VEETA
Almost
everybody. There is the one legal eagle
here he can’t bully and who didn’t excuse his lowdown dealins’…All three times
he’s stood in front of the bench for those swindles he cooked up, justice was
served.
MIRA
I’ll
give you that. Very nearly bankrupted us if you’ll recall. Listen, you and I
are not connected to this town since Daddy passed. We’d of had some means of dealin’ with this
if Daddy could help us now.
VEETA
Daddy
would’ve put this fella in an ambulance and then after a good horse whippin’ in
the barn, Earl would find his nasty self on the road back south.
MIRA
Right! But Daddy’s gone and we’re just the working
class Whitmire sisters. We got no real
influence any more unless it’s to suggest an “up do” or jimmies on a chocolate
donut. And Mama? Well Mama’s just Mama,
you know…Damn, honey, my point is that Earl’s smart like a weasel. He could turn the whole thing around and we
could get put away for life. You thought
of that, rocket?
VEETA
You
are my sister, and I love you, and I hope you are right. Son of a bitch. I hope
Earl’s liver fails soon. I can only
hope.
MIRA
Your mouth to God’s ear.
VEETA
Ok,
ok, ok. Just for the record, Earl’s a shitty shot.
MIRA
No
argument here, hon.
VEETA
You
ready, sister? You are gonna help me
with this so here’re the rules: No
puking or crying. Glad he’s out ‘cause
this is going to hurt…
MIRA
(Deep breath, with faux gusto
grasping one of the arrows)
Here
we go, sweetie, one-two-three…
Black out
VEETA’s voice
Whoa, there’s a gusher.
MIRA’s voice
(Pukes)
Act 1
Scene
2
Do’s & Donuts about 3 am.
The porch is quiet. Headlights
sweep the front of the shop again and the sound of gravel crunches as someone
gets out of a car and stumbles uncertainly up onto the porch. He is a large man, dressed in a suit in which
he looks entirely out of place. He
slouches into a chair, breathing heavily.
He cradles a “to go” cup and says in a quiet voice…
EARL
Mira, you come on down here now. We’re goin’ home.
MIRA
(From above window) I’m stayin’ here tonight Earl.
EARL
No. Nope. You’re not. Let’s go.
MIRA
No,
honey, I’m all settled in. I’ll be home
to make you breakfast, I promise.
EARL
Mira,
get your ass down here NOW!
(He flings a chair. Mira and Veeta appear on the circular
staircase fully dressed. Mira’s party dress is gone, replaced by slacks and
blouse.)
VEETA
EARL, you will now get off my porch.
EARL
(Prowling around looking at things, he
focuses on the pup tent)
Make
me, bitch. Mira move it.
MIRA
(Whispering) Damn, he’s still worked up. I got to go
Veeta or he’ll get too riled. You can
give our “client” the best care anyway.
I’ll be ok. (Louder) I’m comin’, honey,
hang on. How ‘bout I make you a nice big
cup of coffee when we get home?
VEETA
(Whispering)
Damn it, Mira…Don’t you dump this on me…
MIRA
I’ll see you in the morning. Just stay cool. Sorry I puked.
VEETA
That’s
ok. But Mira…
EARL
What’s
this?
(Slowly drawing out the moment)
Upon
closer inspection, I see that you have been up to no good, Miss Veeta. Yessiree.
(Mira and Veeta look fearfully
from the stairs trying to see what has caught his attention.)
EARL
I
see evidence of quite an infraction of the LAW here. There is PHYSICAL evidence right here for
anyone to see. And because I am RELATED
to you by marriage, I am going to help you DISPOSE of it, so no one will see
fit to haul your sorry ass into court.
EARL
Why,
if I don’t help you with this dilemma, sis, you could do time.
(Mira and Veeta start down the
stairs)
Veeta,
dear sister-in-law, (He shouts) you
still housing the homeless here? You’re
lowering the value of the real estate with this little tramp camp. My property value and everyone else’s is in
danger of plummeting because of your half-assed notion of social
responsibility.
(He circles the pup tent as a
man clad in long johns emerges from it and backs away into the shadows.)
You
better get a move on Cecil…Time to MOVE ON!
(He
kicks over the tent and rips down all of Cecil’s belongings, stomping
everything in his path. He then topples over every wooden figurine on the
porch.)
VEETA
(Producing and cocking a large
shotgun)
Be
on your way Earl, NOW! I called Willis.
EARL
(Sneering)
“I
called Willis.” Tonto to the rescue!
Cherokee freak.
(He puts on “Indian” voice)
Kimo
sabe save white woman from bad man, and make her his squaw. Ugh!
You like the way he makes a teepee Veeta?
(Taking Mira by the back of her
blouse and quick-stepping her from the porch.)
Get
in your car, Mira. G’night,
sister-in-law. Looking forward to a
jelly filled one after church on Sunday, darlin’.
Car doors slam and gravel
churns as Earl peels out of the parking lot with the sounds of Mira’s car
traveling behind. Vera uncocks the shotgun and slumps.
VEETA
If
lightning don’t strike you first…
Act 1
Scene 3
Dos & Donuts around 3:15 am. Veeta is mopping the porch; bucket, bleach
and her gun within reach. She alternates
mop strokes with swigs from her tumbler which she refills from a vodka
bottle. Lights of a police car sweep
across her and she looks up and scrambles to hide the mop, towels and a certain
cocktail dress. She rapidly sits in her rocker with the gun across her
knees. A tall law enforcement officer
with a long black braid down his back approaches the porch, takes off his hat
and sits on the steps…
VEETA
Willis.
WILLIS
Veeta.
Earl again?
VEETA
Yep.
WILLIS
Anyone hurt?
VEETA
Nope.
WILLIS
You wanta press charges?
VEETA
Nope.
WILLIS
Cecil’s tent’s down.
VEETA
Yep.
WILLIS
Damn. Sorry I couldn’t get here quicker.
VEETA
That’s
ok. I’ll take care of Cecil. You go on now.
(She pats him on the shoulder
as she gets up; Willis looks at the spot where she touched him)
WILLIS
I’ll
help put Cecil back to right. I can… stay…you know. If you want…To guard, you know. Like before…
VEETA
NO.
It’s ok Willis. Go on.
WILLIS
(Gathering resolve)
Veeta,
I truly think you need someone around here more regular to make sure
everything’s alright.
VEETA
(With Molly Brown bravado)
Well,
you know better than that.
(Holding up her shotgun)
Daddy
left me “The Authority Stick” here and it seems to do the trick. You oughtta
know I can’t afford a body guard or a security company, if that’s what you mean
Chief...
WILLIS
I mean like a husband to you.
VEETA
(Archly)
Willis,
that’s a cozy solution to what you think is a problem here.
VEETA contd.
Sweetie,
I’m set in my ways. I like the seat down
in the outhouse and the cap on the toothpaste.
I am irritating in my living patterns.
I stay up late with the owls and get up at the butt-crack of dawn. That alone is not conducive to marital
bliss.
(She tries to lead him off the
porch to leave)
Besides,
who’d want a bossy old donut rollin’ flour-covered, crack shot, vodka drinkin’,
foul mouthed, workin’ woman like me? I
ain’t no spring chicken …
WILLIS
(Interrupting, blurting, taking
her by the shoulders, going for broke)
Woman,
damn it, I’m tryin’ to say something here.
I would. I mean I would want your bossy-ass self. I’d marry you. Yes, I would.
There it is…
Willis and Veeta both stunned,
sit down awkwardly trying to process the moment.
VEETA
Well,
honey, that’s the most words out loud I think I’ve ever heard you string
together.
WILLIS
Uh
huh. Don’t like to waste ‘em.
VEETA
I
like that. You go on along now.
WILLIS
Veeta?
You ok?
VEETA
Fine,
Willis. I’ll call you, honey. I’ll make you dinner, how’s that? And you can
guard me then. Just go on now…
Willis takes her hand, and
kisses her gently on the lips and leaves hesitantly. Willis then makes a
furious return to the porch to plant a big romantic kiss on Veeta after all,
who is ruffled and glowing in the aftermath.
Cecil emerges silently from the
shadows, relights his lantern, retrieves a pair of overalls from the wreckage
of his tent, tugs them on and starts straightening up his area…Veeta props her
gun against the chair and she joins Cecil in his clean up. Veeta finds and returns Cecil’s harmonica to
him. Cecil straightens with some
reverence the homemade wooden sign on the porch depicting a hand drawn,
smiling, house cat and begins to replace the wooden figures of bears, panthers
and Indians carefully on the porch rail.
Act 1
Scene 4
Dos & Donuts, next morning,
early. Cecil, clean and groomed, sits at
the picnic table in clear anticipation, a pocket knife and a large raw piece of
wood in front of him for whittling.
Veeta emerges from her donuts shop, apron dusty with flour, with a
steaming cup of coffee and a big glazed donut setting them in front of
Cecil. He delicately sips and eats,
silently savoring breakfast, and begins whittling. Mira arrives, high heels clicking. She snags
Veeta by the arm walking her to the far corner of the porch…
MIRA
(Whispering quickly,
dramatically)
Everything
looks great Veeta! You got all the blood
up. How is our “client?” I won’t let
anyone in to the facial room until we can move him tonight late…I been
thinking. Let’s just put him in the
hospital parking lot right before shift change tonight. Someone’ll see him and, “bada-bing,” he’s
dealt with. I brought my personal supply
of valiums to put in his water to keep him knocked out…
Suddenly
an elderly woman scoots
on stage in a hover-round motorized wheelchair, oxygen tank strapped
to the side with tubing leading to her nose. She drives to a rest between the sisters.
FIRELIGHT
Goooood
mornin’ my little butter beans. Time for
breakfast…I got a taste for bacon today…
VEETA
Mama!
In a second honey…
MIRA
Veeta! Our “client?”
VEETA
MIRA! Shut…up!
He’s gone. And no more New York cop shows for
you. What’s this “bada-bing”?
FIRELIGHT
It’s
what “eye tal yun” guys say, Veeta.
MIRA
(Steering Veeta away from
Firelight, whispering, with rising panic)
Gone? He can’t be gone. He must’ve crawled off somewhere. Did you look in the attic? How about under the shop? Under the porch?
FIRELIGHT
That
possum back in your attic Veeta? Just
let me sit out here one night with your Daddy’s shotgun and “bada bing” no more
possum.
VEETA
He’s
just gone Mira. Let it lie.
FIRELIGHT
‘Course
gotta do it right with the first shot or they crawl off and die somewhere
private-like and next thing you know there’s a stink…whew!!
MIRA
Oh
my GAWD!
(She collapses in a chair)
What
did you DO?
VEETA
What
did I do? For the love ‘a … I did
nothing. He left on his
own…somehow. Now, I’ve opened up Donuts
and you just open up Do’s. Get to teasing up some big Tammy Wynette hair. It’s like it never happened. Right Mama?
FIRELIGHT
That’s
right Veeta. Never happened. I’m goin’in.
All this talk about your possum’s makin’ me hungry.
(She
wheels into the donut shop)
VEETA
Nothin’
is even missing except that bottle of peroxide and some towels. The crossbow
bolts. And your dress.
MIRA
Oh
poo! I was going to return it.
VEETA
Do
you see? He took all the evidence. I think we got lucky. He missed your cash
box. So, as I see it in the light of
day, it was just a bad dream and it’s over.
MIRA
(Shaky)
Well, if you say so Veeta.
VEETA
I
say so.
MIRA
We have to keep this secret forever,
Veeta.
VEETA
Yep. I will.
MIRA
We’ve got to take the oath…
VEETA
No
oath Mira. That was just some voodoo
Mama made up. She’s always been a couple
of rollers short of a perm…
MIRA
We
have to take the oath! It’s the only
thing that’ll bind us. And I don’t want
anyone to know about this because of Earl.
VEETA
No
MIRA
Yes.
VEETA
No
(They stare each other down for a beat)
MIRA
Yes!
VEETA
No!
MIRA
(Exasperated)
But why ever not?
VEETA
It’s
stupid and I promise not to talk of this ever again. That should be enough.
MIRA
Well, I don’t think it’s enough Velveeta Whitmire.
VEETA
Hush
up!! WE took the oath never to say our
full names in public. You just broke it!
MIRA
(In a whisper)
Velveeta!
Velveeta! Velveeta!
VEETA
Oh
my God! I’m going to knock you square
into Buncombe County if you don’t cut it out.
MIRA
VELLLL-VEEEEETA!
Cecil is startled from his
whittling and looks at the sisters
VEETA
(Pushing Mira)
Stop it!
MIRA
(Pushing back)
VELLLLLLL-VEEEETA!
VEETA
(She rears back and lets fly…)
MIRRRRRACLE WHHHIP!!
MIRA
Oh you BITCH!
They push and slap each other
until they stop teary and out of breath and look at each other and Cecil with
some shame.
VEETA
Just
our luck to have a Mama who named us after her favorite luncheon sandwich.
MIRA
I
suspect the next Whitmire child would’ve been named Wonder Bread, had there
been one. I always wanted a little
brother…
VEETA
That’s
what Daddy loved about Mama. Her peculiarities. He loved her ever since she
walked barefoot down from the mountains with that moony, off-kilter view of
things. Who knows what kin we have way
back up there in the coves around Panthertail.
MIRA
Yeah, and I don’t want to know. Veeta, the oath?
VEETA
The
oath, then. Cecil would you kindly avert
your eyes and plug your ears. This is
family stuff.
They link arms at the elbows,
and cross pinkies with their free hands and stand on one foot.
MIRA
Upon
our honor, we take the Hangdog Holler oath, that the events of the last 24
hours are a family secret, not to be spoken of again. I do solemnly swear…
VEETA
As
do I. Reluctantly.
They unlink arms and pull their
pinkies apart, stop a second, and hug.
Up on to the porch comes Mira’s first client, Mrs. Galloway, a regular
with a big purse.
MRS. GALLOWAY
G’morning
Veeta honey. Bring me one of those
bearclaws and a cup of chicory will you?
To hell with my blood sugar. C’mon
Mira. I am a lady barely clingin’ to
whatever I got left in the looks department.
Let’s start the engines…
(Mira looks at Veeta pleadingly.)
VEETA
Go on girl.
We’re ok.
MIRA
Hi
Mizz Galloway. Let’s just make you even
prettier than you already are!
MRS. GALLOWAY
That’s
why I like you Mira. You’re so full of
hogwash! You just got to quick sniffing
all that hair spray that’s all. Then
you’ll be fine…
Veeta walks over and taps Cecil
on the shoulder who still has his eyes closed and ears plugged. He looks up and smiles at her and commences
to whittling again. Willis arrives for
breakfast, and walks toward the shop with Veeta.
WILLIS
No
end to the calls last night, trouble all around, Veeta. I sure could use some coffee with that
special sugar you have here. (He pecks
her on the cheek) Haven’t slept.
VEETA
Ah
damn it, Willis, more than what happened here?
WILLIS
Yep. Some guy stole Zeke’s pickup over in Cold Mountain. Found it at Berry’s Diner near the tracks.
VEETA
Get
a description? Anybody see him?
WILLIS
No
one saw him. Don’t know how the guy did
all that. So much blood…Seemed like he
was half bled out.
VEETA
Oh
my word! Sounds like one tough fella I’m
sure. Too bad he didn’t let anyone help
him.
WILLIS
Oh
he had help. We just gotta find out who
that’s all.
VEETA
Well
we sure had a bad moon over us last night didn’t we? Let’s get you that coffee.
Your eyes look like two burnt holes in a blanket.
WILLIS
Wait
a second. Hold your horses woman. Was I dreamin’ or did I propose marriage to
you last night?
VEETA
I
believe you did.
WILLIS
Did
you say yes?
VEETA
Not
yet.
WILLIS
Gonna
say yes?
VEETA
Maybe. Depends.
WILLIS
Why
not?
VEETA
Where’s
my ring?
WILLIS
Oh
yeah. Ok. I’ll be back with one.
VEETA
Yes
you will!
(She opens the door for him, he goes through,
she smacks him in the rear. She pauses
and shivers and then goes in herself)
End of Act 1
Act 2
Scene
1
Do’s and Donuts. Six months later, noontime. It’s autumn and leaves have fallen.
Pumpkins and cornshocks decorate the shops.
Cecil is at the picnic table, in clear mealtime expectation. Enter Earl accompanied by a man in a suit
carrying a briefcase and a blueprint can. Earl is in full “sales” mode and is
clearly trying to make an impression.
Earl is also fawning over Firelight, her eyes sparkle with enthusiasm.
They settle at a table and the suited man begins to decant the contents of the
blueprint tube in preparation to lay it out on the table. Earl has been filling
the space with rapid fire conversational tidbits the whole time.
EARL
Welcome
to Do’s & Donuts, the hub of the social scene here in Mishap Gap. But we’re going to change that aren’t we Mr.
Armbruster? (He reaches over and smacks
Armbruster on the shoulder) Yes, indeed.
Point of interest: I have managed through my skills in labor
management and the science of ergonomics to make this little enterprise into a
McCall cash cow. My wife and
sister-in-law work here, so the overhead’s low, if you know what I mean….Right,
Mama?
FIRELIGHT
That’s
right, Earl, you done good here son.
Don’t know what the girls would’ve done without you honey.
MR. ARMBRUSTER
Well,
well. This is quaint. Very cozy.
EARL
Lunch’ll
be ready soon. What can I get you Mr.
Armbruster? Can I call you Felix? How about some fresh lemonade? Sweet tea?
(He tugs a flask from his suit
pocket) Something medicinal…
FIRELIGHT
Hold
on there! Where’d you get that Earl?
From those no-good Tolliver twins? Pour
a tot into the cap there first. (She pulls out a kitchen match, scratches it
on the table to the horror of all since she is on oxygen, and applies the flame
to the liquid.) Hmmph. Burns blue.
You can drink it. Won’t go
blind…no lead. Tollivers are classin’ up their lightnin’ finally.
EARL
What’d’ya
say, Felix? Little initiation to Mishap
Gap?
MR. ARMBRUSTER
(Clearly ruffled) Well,
um, ok. (He takes a prissy sip and snorts; his vocal chords effected) Well
then, burns all the way down, don’t it; ha ha ha.
FIRELIGHT
Good
boy! Now you’re one of us!
They spread the contents of the
blueprint tube out and huddle around it as Veeta comes out of Donuts with a
food tray full of sandwiches. She stops
at Cecil and drops off a sandwich and drink.
He smiles. She sweeps over to
Earl’s table and serves them, loudly slinging the dishes in front of Earl and
the man, delicately in front of the old woman.
VEETA
(In her mother’s ear, gently)
There
you go Mama. Velveeta cheese spread and
Miracle Whip on Wonder Bread. Miller
Lite and a watermelon pickle.
(She turns and yells)
Mira! Come on now!
Earl’s here…
MIRA
(From inside)
I’m
comin’! I’m comin’! I’m just finishing up my spa shampoo.
(She comes out with her hair in
a towel followed by a woman in a sweater and slacks. The woman is very well groomed and
attractive.)
I
swear, Gianna here is such a find! I am
so glad I hired her…She gives a spa shampoo with “shit-sue” massage.
GIANNA
(Laughing)
That’s
Shiatsu massage Mira. Shihtzu is a dog!
MIRA
Right! Shit sue.
Well, it’s a treat and Gianna’s got such strong hands. Felt so good! I’m
just as relaxed as can be…
EARL
Hello,
Gianna.
(Checking her out, winking at
the other man)
GIANNA
Earl.
EARL
Offer’s
still open to show you around sometime.
Show you some real southern hospitality Earl McCall style.
GIANNA
(Chilly) Thanks. How very gracious. Who says Southern charm is dead? I’ll call you, how’s that?
EARL
Don’t
wait too long, darlin’, the offer could expire.
GIANNA
I’ll
just make a note to remind me…
VEETA
What
is your business here Earl? Let’s get to
it…
GIANNA
(Hearing the phone ring) Well, then, I’ll just answer that
phone.
MIRA
That’d
be fine Gianna. Thank you. (Mira elbows Earl who continues to leer at
Gianna as she departs. As only Veeta can
see him, he gestures as if he’s going to backhand Mira. She cringes.)
VEETA
(Snapping her fingers,
whispering to spare her mother) Hey!! Never again Earl or you’re done. I’ll see to it.
EARL
(Sacharine, sarcastic) Oh. Ok.
I promise Veeta.
MR. ARMBRUSTER
Ahem…Hello
Mizz Veeta. Mizz Mira. I’m Felix
Armbruster from Armbruster, Billamy, and Hartzog, Atlanta offices. I have real good news for you ladies.
MIRA
What’d
we win?
EARL
He’s
my lawyer.
MR. ARMBRUSTER
That’s
right. I’ve been working with Dwayne
Earl here…
EARL
Just
Earl. I hate the Dwayne.
MR. ARMBRUSTER
…on
a spectacular plan we have created for the profitable development of your
family property.
MIRA
Earl,
you never told me about this…
EARL
(Fake sweet for Mama’s benefit)
It’s
a surprise, sweetpea.
MR. ARMBRUSTER
Well,
as you can see on this artwork here, we can put a whole planned community of
upscale domiciles on your family property.
7800 acres of mountain view condos and a golf course. Look there’s even room for a putt-putt and a
Piggly Wiggly on the state road…Why, when it’s built out, we all stand
to make millions!
VEETA
We
all?
EARL
Mr.
Armbruster here is a partner in the venture.
He’s putting up the seed capital against the value of the property.
Gianna emerges from the salon
with a question on her lips, but she stops short of asking seeing the sparks
flying.
VEETA
Whoa,
hoss. You don’t own that land. Mama does. You have no business leading Mr.
Armtwister here on about owning any of it.
You don’t.
MR. ARMBRUSTER
That’s
Armbruster…
EARL
I
do. Your Mama has good sense. She has agreed that my highly effective
business abilities will protect you and Mira from someone scamming you out of
the land once she’s gone, so she signed over the deeds to me to manage. Ask her…
(Mira gasps out loud)
VEETA
(Dumbstruck)
Mama? That true?
FIRELIGHT
(Completely deluded and
gleeful)
Surprise! Ain’t this great! All for you, my little chicks. You’ll be ladies of leisure. You won’t have to make donuts or do hair
anymore. Earl’s the man of the family
now and he’s going to make sure you’re taken care of for the rest of your
lives. I can rest in peace knowin’ that.
And Mira, you and Earl can spit on that snooty Country Club
now. Y’all will have one of your own!
MIRA
(Sobbing. Gianna goes to her.)
FIRELIGHT
Honey,
I knew there’d be tears of pure joy!
VEETA
(With clenched teeth)
Mama
this IS quite a surprise. You always
want the best for us, I know.
(She kisses her)
I
love you so much. Let’s talk some more
about it in a minute. Whyn’t you go
visit with Cecil for a few and have your dinner? I have something I want to say to “the man
of the family”…
FIRELIGHT
Oh! I didn’t even see him over there! Cecil, d’ja hear the news? Veeta and Mira are gonna be rich! I feel so blessed…Earl is a “jeen-yus.”
(She wheels over to sit with
Cecil, while Earl and MR. ARMBRUSTER brace for the assault and Veeta revs up)
MIRA
I
don’t like the plan Earl. Daddy wanted a
game preserve…a sanctuary something, but not condos…Veeta?
VEETA
There
will be a restraining order Earl. You
and Mr. Armbuster here…
MR. ARMBRUSTER
That’s
ArmBRUSTER…
VEETA
…are
not to see our Mama again without legal supervision. She’s not of sound mind.
EARL
Oh,
that’s a shame. I was just getting to
enjoy our little conversations.
MR. ARMBRUSTER
(Uneasy with what he’s sensing)
Earl,
I thought you said they’d be on board…
EARL
Mira
is. Right Mira?
(Mira says nothing)
RIGHT
MIRA?
MIRA
I
guess. I don’t know…It’s still in the family I suppose.
EARL
See?
VEETA
I
think by now you are aware that I am not on board. (Seething) Mr. Armbruster, I am sorry you have been
misled, but this will be dealt with after I have
VEETA
contd.
some
time to explain to my Mama what has occurred here. I think possibly you have been duped as well
and I will make every effort to make you whole again once this is
reconciled. And as for you, Du-wayne, here’s some Southern
hospitality, you stinking sack of rattlesnake shit. Get off MY property. This shop is still mine.
EARL
(He takes her by the arm and
shoves her down the porch steps)
Veeta,
I don’t like the Dwayne. Now, I’ll give
you a little time to think this through very carefully. Consider this: How many donuts do you have to unload to pay
a lawyer, whoever that might be. I got every practicin’ legal hack for miles in
my back pocket…
VEETA
You
think you do, but you’d better be real certain Mr. Big Shit. I’m comin after you…
EARL
And,
God forbid that grease you use to make those crappy fried dough balls should
ignite by accident…
VEETA
Is
that a threat?
EARL
No,
just planning for inevitabilities.
Sorry, meant to say eventualities.
VEETA
You
will not win this.
EARL
Wanna
bet? I always win…
MIRA
Oh
my GAWD! MAMA! NO!
Everyone on the porch runs
over, including Gianna. Cecil, looking
sad, is holding Mama’s hand. She is
slumped over on his shoulder dead. A
smile of angelic peace is on her lips.
Act II
Scene 2
Do’s & Donuts. 3 days later.
Porch sports a sign “Closed for Family Funeral.” It is dusk.
Mira and Veeta dressed in black sit in rockers with cocktails, lit
candles. Mrs. Galloway sits with them companionably drinking cosmopolitans she
is pouring from her own personal silver thermos into a martini glass. Mira is
wearing large black sunglasses. They rock in unison, stop in unison to sip, and
then continue rocking together in silence.
A whippoorwill calls.
VEETA
Stupid
bird was supposed to call out before someone dies, not after for pity’s
sake.
MIRA
I’d’ve
liked some warning too, hon.
MRS. GALLOWAY
Amen,
sister.
MIRA
(They rock, sip, rock)
Veeta,
what does anti-freeze taste like?
VEETA
Haven’t
had the pleasure. May I inquire as to why
you are askin’?
MIRA
Just
curious if it mixes well with Jack. Kind
of a Prestone cocktail…
VEETA
Do
not poison Earl. It is traceable.
MRS. GALLOWAY
Uh
huh. Surely is. I oughtta know.
MIRA
Oh. Shoot.
Ok.
(They rock, sip, rock)
Just
thought I’d give that whippoorwill a little something to wail on about other
than the death of our dreams.
VEETA
Dreams?
MIRA
If
I were in an all-ter-nate universe, I’d build a sweet little salon and spa way
up on The Property. It’d be all porches
and windows and stone and moss where people could come to unwind, relax, get
pretty. Listen to the waterfalls, or the
rain, or the crickets on the dark of the moon…Just a place where we use our
hands only gently, healingly. Is that a
word I just made up? I like it. Healingly.
And the train would whistle along low and rumbling…comforting. Just like when we used to camp up there with
Daddy, remember?
MRS. GALLOWAY
Ugh!
Camping. A mini-bar and complimentary cashmere bouquet soap is roughin’ it for
me.
VEETA
Here’s
mine - I always thought about fixing up that old mill up on the creek. You know where that Civil War battle was
fought? It’s historical. I’d bake bread from real milled grain, just
like the old days. I’d keep the fire
burning in the oven and people would drive their SUVs on 4 wheel drive just to
get my bread, my pastries, my sandwiches and coffee. Because it is worth it to travel on a rutted
logging road just to eat my baking. And I’d have a man who loves me, and my
bread…
MIRA
Oh
you already got that, honey.
(Gianna joins them on the porch
after turning out the lights and locking the salon door.)
MRS.
GALLOWAY
Gianna,
come sit.
MIRA
Thanks
for helping with the cancellations. Have a cocktail.
GIANNA
Love
to. All the sweet tea is getting
monotonous. Thanks.
(They fill a tumbler with a liberal amount of
vodka and pass it to Gianna)
VEETA
Sweet
tea is the staple liquid refreshment of the South. You were quite obviously
raised elsewhere.
GIANNA
Not
so far from the South really. I am so sorry about everything that
happened.
MIRA
Thanks. It’s ok.
We still have Do’s & Donuts. It’s a living.
MRS.
GALLOWAY
And
I thank God every day you ladies are here to transform me into the man-magnet I
truly am…irresistible from my well-frosted head to my gnarly old toes.
VEETA
(Loose from the vodka)
Gianna,
what’s your idea of the perfect man?
GIANNA
You
mean from a woman’s point of view?
VEETA
(Chuckling)
And
there’s some other point of view?
GIANNA
(Deep breath)
Well,
I imagine I’d be looking for one that’s not hard on the eyes…But what matters
more is that he is the very best person he can be in every situation…More
especially when he’s, um, with me, I guess.
Gregory Peck comes to mind.
MRS. GALLOWAY
Mmmmmmm…Now
THERE’s a man’s man.
VEETA
Good
choice. How sweet. You’re dreamin’. And I think he’s dead anyway.
GIANNA
(After a silence)
I
just have to say something. Mira, I
don’t know if you noticed but Earl won’t leave me be. Even at the funeral. He’s relentless. Will he quit?
VEETA
Yep. He’s subhuman. Nope, he don’t quit.
GIANNA
Mira,
if you don’t mind my getting personal, why haven’t you divorced Earl by now?
MIRA
That
is personal…
GIANNA
Oh
I’m so sorry...
MIRA
…Just
don’t cross him.
VEETA
I
just hope he darkens my door some night and I get the credible opportunity to
mistake him for a burglar. POW! Oopsie!
Sorry Earl.
MRS.
GALLOWAY
Credible
only in Texas,
Little Sure Shot.
GIANNA
(Leaning in)
I
won’t cross him, Mira. But he shouldn’t cross me either, you know?
(Gianna gently removes Mira’s
sunglasses to reveal a very bruised cheek and eye. She gingerly pushes up her sleeves to reveal
black and blue stripes)
GIANNA contd.
How
can you let this happen?
VEETA
New
batch of war wounds? Mira, tell her what
you told me about leaving Earl.
MIRA
(Now feeling her vodka, Mira
takes Gianna’s hand)
It’s
hard to explain. I’m afraid, that’s
all. Trapped. Should the occasion arise that you lock horns
with him, just be sure you make the first shot count. Take it from me – If he
comes back at you, it’s tenfold. Be
careful. Stay away from him if you can.
MRS. GALLOWAY
Y’know,
in my experience with situations like this, life just kind of takes care of
itself sometimes. (She sings a little) I’ll get by with a little help from my
friends…
GIANNA
There’s
a way out. I feel it...I know it. Trust
me, I’m going to get this fixed for you Mira.
MRS. GALLOWAY
I
get high with a little help from my friends…
GIANNA
I
owe you. You’ve done so much for me,
you’ll never know… You should not be treated like this.
MRS. GALLOWAY
Gonna
try with a little help from my friend…
VEETA
Been
down this road with her, Gianna. She’s
hard of hearing. He’s busted her eardrums one too many times.
MIRA
(Angrily)
I’d
get out if I could. It’d take an avenging angel straight from heaven with a
flaming sword leading me away. But as long as Earl’s free to come and go, for
self-preservation and to hold on to any vestige of dignity I might have left, I
just try to keep his coffee hot and his bed occupied. It wasn’t always this way. You know it started out right. I met him in a duck blind on one of Daddy’s
hunting trips and he was so sweet and charming. Dreamy good-lookin’ too. Pure south Georgia gentlemanly romantic attention
just won me. And Daddy. Earl was a man’s
man. Veeta, you were impressed too. You can admit that.
VEETA
I
too can be duped by a gold-diggin’ scumbag.
(Veeta snorts and chuckles in
disdain)
MIRA
So,
Earl got Daddy’s blessing, got on one knee, we had a gorgeous wedding at Mishap
Gap Falls, and on the honeymoon Earl just loved on me wild until neither of us
could walk.
VEETA
Stop.
Damn it Mira. Too much information. Gawd
help me, I do not want to lose this fine expensive funeral vodka over the
railing; if you please.
MIRA
Then
Daddy died. He was found in his study shot to death with his own shotgun.
(Mrs.
Galloway is still and while not looking at Mira, she is intently listening)
Ruled
a suicide by old blind Sheriff Petey, God rest him. Earl stood by his grave as they lowered Daddy
down, holdin’ our poor bewildered Mama like a son, and I swear I saw him change
right then and there. He stared at me
like he wanted me in that coffin, not Daddy.
It was all for show, his bein’ a southern super hero. He was waitin’ it out. He broke my nose that night.
VEETA
(Having had enough, she gets up
and jets to the railing)
A
hunting accident would be peachy. A
few crossbow bolts applied with
velocity to his big fat ass would be divine justice. Just like he did that
fella…
(Gianna looks up with a jerk)
MIRA
(Suddenly sober and alert)
Veeta,
go to bed. You are treadin’ on thin ice
carryin’ a blow torch business side down.
VEETA
Mira,
don’t you tell me what to do. Don’t you dare.
I have put my whole life on hold to try and make sense of it all. Daddy,
Mama, Dwayne Earl, I put aside everything especially to look out for you
little sister. I should be married and
bitchin’ about bein’ a football widow or something. I should have kids around me…I should be
playin’ slap and tickle in the kitchen with my man listenin to the kids shoot
hoops outside. But damn it I’m not doing
any of that. Because? I have your mess of a marriage to look to, a
millstone around my neck…under the circumstances what kind of village idiot I
would be to even consider it for myself.
Every day of my life just slips away like the steam off the coffee I
make every morning, and I am no closer to anything I might want...Trapped. I know trapped ok. So shut up. Just shut up. Shut the hell up…
MRS. GALLOWAY
Whooo
– wee.
VEETA
(She is stopped in her tracks
staring at something next to the porch steps)
Mira,
have you seen this yet?
MIRA
What?
VEETA
Come
over here please.
MIRA
I
don’t know if I should. You done yet?
MRS. GALLOWAY
I
got your back sweetie!
(Mira, Veeta, Mrs. Galloway and Gianna gather
at the rail where they see that a new object has been added to their collection
of figures. It is a three foot high
sculpture depicting St. Sebastian eyes cast in agony to the heavens pierced
full of arrows in all his bloody glory tied to the railing. Veeta brings over a candle to illuminate it
in better detail)
GIANNA
Hello!
Very realistic. You all Catholic?
MIRA
Somebody
knows…
Blackout
Act
II
Scene 3
Do’s & Donuts. Next morning.
The St. Sebastian sculpture has been cut down and is lying on its side
on the porch partially covered by a sheet.
Mira’s still in sunglasses and teasing up Mrs. Galloway’s hair al
fresco. Veeta’s in the middle of carving a pumpkin for Halloween and Willis, in
full uniform is up to his elbows scooping the guts out of another
pumpkin.. Gianna is on the porch reading
a magazine. Cecil’s having breakfast.
MRS. GALLOWAY
So
I go up to Zeke’s cabin up there on the ridge for dinner since he allowed he
wanted to continue to see me even though I wouldn’t kiss him on the first date.
MIRA
Uh
huh
MRS. GALLOWAY
Anyway,
he serves me a salad on a plate that was plain filthy and when I said “Zeke,
this plate’s just dirty,” he says, “Best I can do with cold water.”
MIRA
Livin’
kinda primitive up there I guess.
MRS. GALLOWAY
Well,
that’s what I thought, but he was tryin’ so hard to impress, so I just let it
go. Then he served me my dinner on a
plate that was filthy too. When I
pointed it out again, he just said “Best I can do with cold water.” Well by now I’m thinking’ I better locate my
stash of antibiotics when I get home, but I didn’t want to embarrass ol’ Zeke
so I let it go again.
WILLIS
And
dessert?
MRS. GALLOWAY
Filthy
plate again…and again Zeke says “Best I can do with cold water.” Well, by this time it’s getting dusky
outside. I am figuring I have a scant 4
hours before the food poisoning kicks in and I want to be home near my very own
facilities when it does…So Zeke
MRS. GALLOWAY contd.
escorts
me to my car and before he can try to kiss me again, out of his barn comes this
big old drooling hound dog that commences to jump up on my clothes. Well, Zeke jerked up this hound’s chain and
you know what he said?
MIRA
What?
MRS. GALLOWAY
“Down,
Cold Water, Down!”
(Mira, Gianna, Willis, and Veeta crack up,
Cecil smiles.)
MRS. GALLOWAY
See
there, honey, that’s how you tell a joke. Make it sound real. A little deception goes a long way…
GIANNA
True
enough. Zeke’s going to sue you for
defamation Mizz Galloway.
MRS. GALLOWAY
Oh,
I can defend myself against any move by ‘ol Zeke, either legally or
otherwise. No problem.
(A stranger comes up on the
porch.)
MIRA
Hello
there, mister. You here for a haircut?
ROTHSTEIN
No. Thanks.
VEETA
(Pouring coffee)
Hey
Willis. How about that donut?
WILLIS
No
thanks. Tryin’ to quit. Heh, heh! (Pointing to himself.) You know, cop? Donut?
Well I think it’s funny…. Can we
help you? New here? Veeta here makes bread that makes angels
weep…
GIANNA
Uh,
Willis, would you step inside a sec. I
have a little something I need…fixed.
WILLIS
Sure
Gianna. Be right back. (Veeta
follows Willis and Gianna with her eyes and puts down the coffee pot rather
loudly.)
ROTHSTEIN
(He looks around)
I
noticed you have a hobo mark on your railing there. It means “nice lady lives here.” Did you know that?
VEETA
I
just thought it was a cute picture of a fat cat. We do have rail riders who come through here
though. They stop in to visit Cecil over
there and I guess I’m the nice lady ‘cause I feed them. Cecil though, he retired from riding the
rails. Too many whacks on the head from
the rail bosses, sadly enough.
ROTHSTEIN
Just
wondering if you have seen this man.
(He holds out a photo toward
Gianna, but she’s gone)
MIRA
Lemme
see that!
(Mira leaves Mrs. Galloway’s
hair in a teased peak and runs over.)
This
is just like Law & Order. Are you a
cop?
ROTHSTEIN
No,
a book publisher. Name’s Barry Rothstein.
VEETA
(Looking at the photo and
forcibly hiding her shock)
No.
Never seen him.
MIRA
(Eyes wide) Veeta, he looks just like that guy we…(Veeta kicks her)…never saw, ever. No, we never saw him.
WILLIS
(He returns)
Y’sure
Mira? Veeta? How about you Mrs.
Galloway?
(He takes the picture from
Rothstein and hands it to Mrs. Galloway)
MRS. GALLOWAY
(Impressed with the photo)
Well,
helloooo darlin’. Wouldn’t want to lose
this one myself. Wait a minute…He looks
familiar…Hmmm. He has family ‘round
here?
Veeta
Mizz
Galloway, he hasn’t been around here. He
looks a little like a movie star that’s all.
Johnny Depp or Pitt or somebody...
MRS. GALLOWAY
Oh
he’s prettier than those boys. Still
looks so familiar…
ROthstein
Maybe
you’ve read his books. Here’s my
card. If you see him, call me
please. His name is John Sullivan and he
was, rather is writing a book about riding the rails and filed his last
chapter from right here in Mishap Gap.
In April. He wrote about the
tramp camp up there on the tracks. Said
there’s an interesting story brewin’ up.
We were supposed to have two more chapters by now, but there’s been no
word. We hope…Well, it may have been dangerous
for him to go on this assignment.
Veeta
We’ll
keep a good eye out for him. I’m sure
he’ll turn up.
Rothstein
Sure.
Sure. Thanks.
WILLIS
I’ve
got an errand to run. Need a ride
Mister? (Rothstein nods) See you
later ladies, Cecil. You’ll be sure to
call if you remember anything about John Sullivan, won’t you?
(They leave the porch together
and as tires on gravel move away, Veeta and Mira can barely contain
themselves. They meet at the bottom of
the steps out of earshot of Cecil and Mrs. Galloway. Gianna enters watching them leave.)
Veeta
Holy
smokes! That was like seein’ a ghost.
MIRA
Do
you think he’s still around? Do you
think he’s taunting us with bloody old St. Sebastian there? Do you think he’s tryin to make us nuts so we’ll
spill the beans? Think he’s Catholic?
Veeta
Oh
for heaven’s sake, I don’t know. We
better keep our eyes open though. By the
way, what did Gianna need “fixed” anyway?
That’s maybe the third time your shit sue shampoo woman has cornered
Willis. She better keep away from him or
I’m gonna have something to say…
MIRA
Eeeeeew
Veeta! Better let Willis fix something
for you soon or he will stray darlin’.
Gianna has something very alluring about her…
Veeta
Don’t
you worry about me and Willis. He asked
me to marry him,
MIRA
(Shock & squeals)
Oh
MY GAWD! You said yes didn’t you? DIDN’’T you?
Enter Earl clad in expensive
sports clothes fresh from a football event at the sports bar, drunk as a skunk.
EARL
Waaahooooo! How ‘bout them Dogs!
(Slapping Mira on the butt)
EARL
contd.
You
shoulda seen ‘em whup them damn Clemson Big Shit Tigers. Love to see those pussy bastards lose. Heyyy Gianna!
(Gianna emerges from the salon)
How
‘bout them Dogs?
Gianna
How
‘bout ‘em Earl?
EARL
Want
to do it doggie-style to celebrate?
Gianna
Hahahaha…no.
EARL
Just
askin…Doesn’t hurt to ask does it? CECIL!
Hey Boo Radley! How ‘bout them
DAWGS you mutant!
MIRA
(Trying to draw Earl’s
attention away from Cecil)
Cecil
loves Georgia. Don’t you honey?
(Cecil retreats down some back
steps to his tent)
Go
Dogs! Sit down and I’ll get you a
sandwich.
EARL
Screw
those damn Veeta sandwiches. I am not
eatin’ anything your skanky sister touched.
I bet she spits in my food…
MRS. GALLOWAY
(Standing like a dangerous sorceress, her
hair teased out, cotton between every toe and her beauty parlor cape flying)
Dwayne
Earl McCall, sit your sassy ass down this minute and shut your filthy mouth. I
am not inclined today, any more than the other days we have crossed paths, to
put up with your uncouth and brutish
behavior. And you know what I mean young
man! I am enjoyin’ my day of beauty
here and no low class hillbilly like you is going to ruin it, y’hear mister?
EARL
(Taken by surprise, instantly
sober and uncharacteristically cowed, he growls)
Yes’m.
MRS. GALLOWAY
Very
good, Dwayne. Now sit!
(Earl scrambles up the porch
stairs scowling at Mira and goes to sit.)
EARL
Mizz
Galloway, you know I don’t like the Dwayne…
(As he sits, he misses his mark
and lands on the covered St. Sebastian statue. It is apparent that his butt
connects with the arrows and he howls in pain shooting straight up and
clutching his backside.)
Oh
holy shit! What the hell bit me?
(He whips the sheet from the
sculpture and stares in a combination of horror and disdain.)
EARL contd.
What
is this?
MIRA
(Slowly because she knows this
is risky)
It’s
St. Sebastian, Earl. Bunch of folks
hated him so much they shot him full of arrows. But he survived because a nice
lady pulled all them bolts out and nursed him back to preach salvation another
day.
EARL
(Soberly rubbing his backside
which is seeping blood.)
Yeah,
well they were pretty crappy shots. Had it been me doin’ the shooting, I’d of
surely done the job right.
(He turns and leaves, limping)
Blackout
Act II
Scene 4
Do’s & Donuts. Halloween night. The porch is quiet and lit only with pumpkin
string lights and jack o’lanterns.
Moonlight slants beams over the rest of the shops. Veeta’s apartment is unlit and Cecil’s
lantern is dark outside his tent.
On the stairs leading up to
Veeta’s apartment Willis and Veeta sit together; she with her knees apart and
Willis, on the lower step, is leaning back into her lap. She is brushing his unbraided hair in long
strokes.
VEETA
One
or two?
WILLIS
One or two what?
VEETA
Braids,
Willis. You a little distracted?
WILLIS
Yes
I am. One braid please. (Headlights
blow by and Willis sits up looking intensely at the passing car.)
VEETA
Whoa
there, Buckaroo, or this’ll look more like a kudzu vine than a proper Cherokee
hairdo.
WILLIS
Wouldn’t
want that. (He relaxes and leans back and kisses Veeta. Taking a deep breath, he raises a small box
up to her.) Full moon, you and this is making me kind of jumpy.
VEETA
What
a lovely little box, Willis.
Velvet. Is it for me?
WILLIS
Maybe. Depends.
VEETA
A
little costume for me to wear? I already
told you, no Sexy Nurse this Halloween!
WILLIS
Nope.
Not this time. This isn’t make-believe.
VEETA
I
have a feeling, babe, that this is as real as it gets.
WILLIS
Look
inside for the true gift.
VEETA
(She opens box, slips the ring
onto her finger, and reaches down to capture Willis’ face in her hands. Looking into his eyes…)
I
have looked inside, Willis Deerhorn, and yes I will marry you.
WILLIS
And
I will marry you Miss Veeta Whitmire. (A tender moment …)
Headlights
again brush the porch and
Willis jumps, nervous battle-ready.
VEETA
Why
Willis you are so jumpy. Come on,
fiancé, let’s go downtown and see all the kids dressed up like the little
heathens they really are…I have a van full of donuts to give out. Then we can come back here and you can
“guard” me.
WILLIS
I
can assure you, Veeta, you will be guarded well tonight and by someone who
knows how. But I’ll meet you here
later. Got some official business.
VEETA
Back
on duty huh? You just bust all those egg throwin’, window soapin’, burnin’ bags
of dog doo hellions and clap ‘em in irons, ok? Big bad doins’ tonight! I am off to the festivities. Later, darlin’.
WILLIS
Count
on it.
She goes and a van starting up and eaving
is heard. Willis unsnaps his
revolver and exits near Cecil’s tent. Cecil’s tent lantern
lights up.
Headlights spray across the
front of the porch, and two car doors slam shut to the sounds of female
laughter and male growling. The female,
dressed in a sequined sheath and heels and Mardi Gras feathered bird mask runs
up the steps onto the porch with the male dressed like a werewolf in hot
pursuit carrying a bottle, growling and howling and grabbing at her behind.
EARL
Aroooo!
GIANNA
(She dodges around the rocking
chairs as he chases her)
Don’t
eat me you evil werewolf! Save me, somebody save me! Where’s my silver bullet?
EARL
(B-grade movie style)
No
one is here to hear your cries! They’re all down at the Courthouse
handing out candy to the little Halloweeners.
We have the place to ourselves…
(He catches her and paws her
all over, putting the bottle to her lips)
Try
this! Your fate will be more pleasurable to endure, my tasty little prey! Aroooo!
GIANNA
(Laughing)
Earl, stop now! Stop!
You’re spilling whiskey all over my dress…
EARL
That ain’t all that’s gonna spill on that
dress tonight. Even though we got business
together, I’m knew you’d sniff out my animal charms sooner or later. How’s about a nibble?
GIANNA
You are a beast Earl.
(Circling
him)
That’s what intrigues me most about you. How about a spa treatment while we’re
here. I may have to drip hot wax on you
tonight and rip all that hair off certain sensitive areas…
EARL
Yeah, I knew you didn’t hate me all this
time. You just have a funny way of
flirting!
(He
sits in a rocker and puts out his arms in invitation)
Where’s my sugar? Gimme my sugar, Gianna.
GIANNA
I’ve got your sugar, darling,’ but you gotta
earn it. Truth or dare, and if you win,
here’s what you get…
(She
sits in his lap and nuzzles his ear telling him something that exponentially
ratchets up his interest.)
EARL
You’re on, babe! I don’t lose. And if you win you get the Tower of Terror
here and… (He whispers in her ear, she
laughs and coos) Real estate is
always the best investment! Flip… Heads
or tails?
GIANNA
Tails.
Of course.
EARL
It’s heads!
(Leering) This won’t take long. Truth or dare?
GIANNA
Dare
EARL
I dare you…
((He
thinks, drinks, thinks.)
…to gimme a sneak preview of those gorgeous Georgia
peaches…
GIANNA
(Drawling
and seductive)
Well, I guess if I’m gonna win…
(Gianna
turns to face him and teasingly lowers her spaghetti straps giving Earl an
enticing yet limited view of her “peaches.”)
There’s
your preview, honey.
EARL
That was not enough…I need to see it all!
GIANNA
Only if you win! Your turn.
Truth or dare?
EARL
Truth.
GIANNA
I want to know something real personal about
you, Earl, seein’ as how you and me have a deal about my share of that land
you’re developing. Just to clinch it, so
I know you’ll do me right and not steal my investment, both financially….
(She
licks her fingers and brushes her hands across her breasts and hips)
and in kind.
EARL
Oh, I’ll do ya. Let’s work out a little of that “in-kind
sweat equity” now. Just come over here…
(He
swipes at her as she slithers around him just out of reach)
GIANNA
Collateral, darlin’. Something you’d never tell another
soul…Something sexy and dangerous.
EARL
Bring it on. (He drinks) I do both…
GIANNA
Truth now?
No lyin.’
EARL
I’m goin’ to win. I always win.
So c’mon..
GIANNA
Ever killed a man?
EARL
(Suddenly
deflated but defensive)
Ah, geez, Gianna, buzz kill.
GIANNA
(Dismissively
but putting her heeled foot on his chest so he gets a good, yet shadowy, view)
I win.
You owe me 50 more acres of that sweet, sweet mountain view land. I’ll be lookin’ for the deed…
EARL
Uh uh!
No way. Alright. Have I killed a man? Yes.
Yes I have. Once. For sure. And I think I might have a second time…
GIANNA
God, that’s so hot. Tell me about the first…time.
(She
straddles him)
EARL
Details are not part of the game.
GIANNA
Oh yes they are. Let’s just get a little detailed…
(She
begins kissing on his cheek, neck.)
EARL
Ruled a suicide. Long time ago. With his own shotgun…
GIANNA
Who?
EARL
Old man Whitmire. No big deal. He was dyin’
of cancer anyway. I just sped up the
process.
GIANNA
Your own father-in-law. Clearing the way to get The Property. Damn!
I like to play with dangerous and devious men.
EARL
Good.
Time to play.
GIANNA
No. Patience.
Now for the win: The second time
you killed a man. Keep going…I‘m getting nice and ready…
EARL
(He’s
in the throes of it…)
Nothing ever came of it. I was drunk. I shot one of those shit-heel
tramps one night last spring. I’d like
to pick off the rest of them from that crap-hole camp they keep building on my
land up near the tracks.
GIANNA
(Moaning)
This is turnin’ me on Earl. Keep goin’.
EARL
Caught him walkin’ down the road toward town,
skinny little bastard. I shot eight
bolts with my crossbow. Man the little
shit could run! Finally he was down and
not breathin’ so I dragged him over near the camp and left him. Figured his own’d bury him. Guess they did.
GIANNA
(Breathing
in his ear)
How’d you know he was dead?
EARL
The blood.
The not breathin’. Just like a
buck when I go hunting. All floppy and
glassy eyed.
GIANNA
(Grasping
his costume by the front and lifting him from the rocker in apparent lust.)
You are a bad, bad boy and I should punish you
for this…What do you think your punishment should be?
EARL
Uh, the hot wax thing sounded kinda… Wait, that’s not the game. It’s my turn.
I get to ask you now. Truth or
dare?
GIANNA
Truth.
EARL
Have you
ever killed a man?
GIANNA
No.
But I plan to.
EARL
That was quick…
GIANNA
Scare you Earl? Or does it bring out the animal instinct in
you?
EARL
We have a lot
in common Gianna.
(Earl
loses patience and roughly wraps his arm around her neck, puts his hands all
over her and begins hiking her skirt up, going for the inside of her thigh. In
a menacing tone…)
Now, I win damn it, where’s my sugar?
(As
Gianna struggles to push him away, Earl reaches garter height and discovers a
wire. Gianna jumps away from his
embrace. Earl has a realization…)
Mizz Gianna, just what have you been up
to?
(He
advances toward her)
Is this a wire? How high tech and sneaky. I
do believe you may have been recording our conversation for posterity and who
know what else? I want what I want and
the tape too. Just relax and enjoy,
Gianna.
GIANNA
(Trying
to buy some time…kicking off high heels, preparing for a scuffle.)
Now whyever would I want to do that Earl,
baby?
EARL
(Earl
lunges at her, she slips away)
This won’t take long…
(Gianna and Earl struggle around the porch as
Earl tries and fails to pin her down for forcible relations, and eventually
traps her on the railing…)
GIANNA
Truth …or… dare?
EARL
Dare, you bitch!
GIANNA/John
I
dare you to deal with this.
(Gianna removes her wig and
knees a stunned Earl in the crotch. As
Earl bends over in pain, Gianna, now John, delivers an upper cut to his face
with the force of the man he really is.)
EARL
(Rising up from the ground Earl is staring at
John with revulsion and disbelief at the man now standing over him.)
What
th’!? Oh God, oh God, you kissed
me! You, you TOUCHED me.
(Earl shivers and dry heaves)
I
told you things…Who the hell are you anyway?
Did Veeta put you up to this?
I’ll kill the bitch…
John
You’ll
go through me first. I am John Sullivan
and I’m the glassy- eyed floppy buck you shot last spring. You’re going down for it too…(John rips the wire from his leg and shows
Earl.)
EARL
Y’think?
Wrong. Get ready to disappear
again!
(Earl, much larger and a dirty
fighter, lunges forward and snags John by the dress. He rips it enough to
dislodge John’s costume bust, which infuriates Earl all the more. They fight in earnest and Earl although
injured by John Sullivan, by sheer weight, momentum and panic wrestles John to
the ground and begins beating him savagely trying to get the wire from his
hand.
Cecil who emerges from the
shadows followed by Willis, pulls Earl off John, and hits him hard enough in
the head to knock him down. Cecil stands for a moment until he knows Earl is
out and drops to see about John. Willis
cuffs the unconscious Earl. He then goes
to John.)
WILLIS
I
got it John. I got his confession. Good work, dude. Stay with me John. Ambulance is coming. C’mon kimo sabe, open your eyes.
Blackout
Act II
Scene 5
Do’s & Donuts. Christmas.
The porch is covered in Christmas decorations including plastic snowmen
and Santas. In the yard, there is a
shrine housing St. Sebastian, poinsettias at his pierced and bloody feet. The
sound of many cars crunching gravel in the parking lot, doors slamming and
laughter precede the entrance of Veeta in Native American wedding attire
carried in by Police Chief Willis Deerhorn.
Mira follows in Matron of Honor threads chatting with Mrs. Galloway who
is in a formal business suit. Cecil, in a tux, bounds up the porch steps to his
spot at the picnic table, and John, dressed in a tux, with his publisher
arrives with Mr. Armbruster…
MIRA
That was the most beautiful wedding. I’m still choked up
MRS. GALLOWAY
Where’s the champagne? I’m not getting’ any younger.
Mr. Armbruster
The
pleasure would be entirely mine, Mizz Galloway.
(He takes her by the arm to the
champagne)
MRS. GALLOWAY
Ooooh!
Mr. Armbruster, you are quite the gentleman.
Mr. Armbruster
And
you were a stellar attorney, Mizz Galloway. I am in awe of your illustrious
career in law. I followed all of your precedent setting case work in Atlanta with
admiration. You should come out of
retirement and practice with us.
Felix. Call me Felix, madame.
MRS. GALLOWAY
Well then, Beatrice to you sir.
MR. ARMBRUSTER
In
fact, Beatrice, may I inquire as to your plans this coming Saturday night? There’s a lovely restaurant I have wanted to
share with just the right person…
(She
shivers in delight and walks away on Armbruster’s arm.)
John (To Mira)
There’s
a couple with potential. I just love a
love story.
MIRA
Well,
hello! Who’d of thought? Be sure to include that in your next
book!
JOHN
Good
thing those two got together and looked over your mother’s so-called business
dealings with Earl.
MIRA
Yeah,
Mr.Armbruster is good folk after all. And who’d known Mizz Galloway was so
powerful a lawyer. She never let
on. Thank God Earl missed that one
little eentsy-weentsy detail that Mama had never signed her name in full her
whole life. Just that little kitty
cipher. It just looked like a tiny
smiling cat to me.
John
Well,
Earl forges signatures about as well as he shoots. And like I told you, I owed
you. You are a beautiful special woman
and deserve Gregory Peck. He’ll find you
MIRA
I’m
sure hopin’ so. I don’t need much, as
long as he’s the polar opposite of what I formerly had with Dwayne Earl. Ugh!
JOHN
It’ll
be pure poetry, Ms. Mira. You came from
poetry you know? Your mama’s name is a prime example of that. Firelight Whitmire. Too bad those names don’t get given to
children anymore.
MIRA
She sure passed on a couple of doozies along to
Veeta and me though.
John
I’ll
be up for a shiatsu massage someday at that fancy spa. And some bread…
MIRA
We’d
feed and care for you for your entire lifetime John. A lifetime, I swear.
(They hug and toast)
MR. Rothstein
Ms.
McCall, John, just a little shop talk and I’ll stop…We need your manuscript by
March. I know that seems like a rush,
but the publicity around this little adventure if yours is pushing the release
date.
John
Right
Barry, we’ll talk…Drink some champagne and slow down. You’re in Mishap Gap now. Life kind of creeps up on you here.
MR. Rothstein
Right. Ok!
Here’s to your book! A best seller before the fact!
(They clink glasses)
Mrs.
McCall, may I ask, where did you get these great primitive carvings?
MIRA
Call
me Mira, please.
MR. Rothstein
Well,
Mira it is. A lovely name for a lovely
lady.
MIRA
Why
thank you. Who says New Yorkers are
rude. Well, Cecil’s quite the whittler, Mr. Rothstein, um, Barry..
MR. Rothstein
Mira,
we have a gallery in Tribeca. You think
Cecil would like to show his work? You
could come with him…
(They walk away chatting, Mira
shoots a wink over her shoulder to John)
John
(He walks over and sits next to Cecil who
smiles at him)
Cecil,
I think you saved my life. Thanks,
brother.
(Cecil shyly accepts a hand
shake)
JOHN contd.
I
had Deerhorn working with me but you knew all along too didn’t you?
(Cecil nods humbly)
Thought
so. St. Sebastian there was a nice touch.
A little too close for comfort, but effective. I have a favor to ask. Would you read my manuscript? I need you to tell me everything about
trampin’ I probably missed while I took my little detour here at Mishap
Gap.
Cecil
Not
so sure I could help you with the part where you were, um, female. Otherwise, I can do it.
(The wedding party silences in
astonishment upon hearing Cecil’s voice)
John
Great! That’s great!
Thanks, man.
Cecil
Pleasure’s
mine.
Veeta
Ok,
I’m going to toss the bouquet now!
Mira, you, Mrs. Galloway and “Gianna” get on over there and fight each
other for this bouquet! I want to see a real tussle for it!
(John joins the ladies in good
fun)
The bouquet is caught by Mrs.
Galloway, who blushes and celebrates like an eighteen year old.
WILLIS
Well,
I guess it’s my turn. Guys, Cecil, John, Mr. Rothstein, Felix? John you
get to go again. Heh heh! Y’ready? Let’s do this Indian style…
(Willis approaches Veeta,
gently tosses her over his shoulder, removes her garter and tosses it to Felix.
Willis lowers Veeta into his arms and kisses her. Everyone hoots and applauds.)
Veeta
(As she touches down when
Willis lets her go.) Alright now, simmer down. We have a toast. Mira, will you join me? Here we go…For the fella who put everything
to right giving us back our dignity and our land,
MIRA
For
being man enough to be a real woman, and for putting Earl away for a very long
time…
(They look at each other and nod)
Velveeta and Miracle
Whip Whitmire…
(They link pinkies)
VEETA
According
to the powers vested in us by Firelight Whitmire of Hangdog Holler, now declare
that…
MIRA
Our
own personal super hero and by all accounts a right pretty lady…
VEETA
John
Sullivan will now be invited to complete the ingredients of a celebrated
luncheon sandwich and forever be known as our own dear brother …
VEETA & MIRA
Wonder Bread.
John
I
accept!
Everyone toasts, more corks pop, music flares
and the story ends.
