One hell of a funny gal, The Queen of WTF? does this and I have to give her mad props for providing the inspiration. She may have created a monster here!
I made that! Yes, yes I did. Fun and cathartic at the same time. Try it!
P.S. Update! Yes, Bella is my Pomeranian. Yes, she stars here in her cartoon form. No, I did not shave her! See?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
News flash! Renewal of license includes getting a new photo taken. I am phobic about it. We all know that this is likely to be the most
Now, understand that I don’t judge this phenomenon and, in fact it is kind of cute
I soon knew why.
“Yes sir. 12:45”
“Don’t see it. But we take walk- ins. About two hour wait.”
Gaack! “Ok I guess.” What the hell happened to my online appointment?
Then he asks me in a flat tone of voice that betrayed all the abuse he has received of late, his body language perfectly arranged in pre-flinch anticipation -
“Original Birth Certificate?
"Social Security card?"
"Two forms of I.D. other, like utilities bill, insurance card or mortgage statement?"
Then he pointed to the not very well communicated new rules
Really? NO, REALLY?
I had none of it on me. Nor did a lot of people applying for a license, apparently, hence the
At least I have “my papers.” Just not with me.
Crump! BLAM! I felt my head exploding. I was going to
Slinking back to the car, I drove back home, again blessedly eluding the smokies and gathered all the documents I needed. All the while I
After two of them asked why I had so much paper with me, I gave
Then the thought hit us both at the same time: WWBOD?
That pesky original birth certificate requirement could sure leave him
And, of course, my new license photo looks like
Friday, April 16, 2010
“Am I getting popped?”
“Yes, Mom, you are,” comes the reply from the backseat. Déjà vu all over again. What is it about me that attracts law enforcement? Very
I’d just furtively pay the fine from my secret
But NOOOO, the fickle fates just HAD to have me transporting
Humiliation thus amped to the tenth power, tears and slamming things around to follow.
Nervous fidgeting in the back seat and
“Go get your Dad!”
“I can’t. He’s not home!”
“Oh damn it. Mom you’re on your own.”
Cha-CHING! Expired License by two weeks. Citation. Bloody hell, I was so close to getting that manicure.
And the Officer wanted to know how I was going to get my car home, about two blocks away, since “you can’t drive with an expired license.”
“Does the girl drive yet?”
“Yes, I can drive!” chirped “the girl”
My head snapped around and I transfixed Little Miss Loose Lips with a volcanic stare –
“She does not have her permit yet, so no she CAN’T drive
I snuck the Cruiser home avoiding “that street back there” so she wouldn’t have to compromise her integrity, and plotted my trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles Driver’s License
To be continued…
Monday, April 12, 2010
She was a gigantic Irish woman decked out in full parade float nun's habit including a floor length veil attached to a big cylindrical starched linen box on her head that creased her ever-perspiring forehead like an inquisitioner's torture gadget.
I thought it a good place to store cookies.
She spoke with a thick brogue and I thought she must've done something awfully wrong since the Church assigned her, a woman of great heft and in all those robes and veils, to the hottest un-air conditioned elementary school in Florida.
This had to have been her Purgatory.
She was well known for her impeccable aim when she swung her oversized rosary beads, which were always ready at her waist tucked into her belt. Dom was the smallest joker in 4th grade and was what we probably now call "hyperactive." For that matter, we were all hyper. Dom was special though. His particular style of fidgeting and whispering made Sister lose what marbles she had left underneath her cookie tin headgear.
"Stand up young Spinelli!"
He stood and grinned at all of us. With a whiplash so fast the eye couldn't follow it, she caught him just below the knees with those beads laying him out flat on the floor. She stood over him and shouted:
"Who made you Dominick?"
And Dom said, "Mom and Dad did Sister. Wanna know how?"
The Baltimore Catechism was her mainstay, and Dom was being what we now call "oppositionally defiant" by not barking out the right answer: Right answer: "God made me."
Got to love Dom. Last I heard, he ended up a huge success owning a couple of "gentlemen's" clubs. His destiny was locked in 4th grade.
And Sister Kathleen Marie I will never, ever forget.