Wednesday, September 23, 2009

More Uncool Behaviors Observed and Shared With Hellish Glee

- Engaging in fits of uncontrollable laughter in church.
- Being shushed by the nuns sitting two rows in front of us.
- Being glared at by the priest.
- Feigning a coughing fit to cover the subsequent perp stroll escape route/walk of shame.
- Flipping off and dropping a loud F-bomb on the mother of my daughter’s best friend in traffic. (She cut me off!)
- Chaperoning school dances and wearing themed costumes to blend in.
- Supplying a playlist of my own to the school dance d.j. (Free Bird, Stairway to Heaven, natch!)
- Reminding the spawn just what I had to do with their dad to get pregnant with them.
- Reminiscing about where and when I got pregnant with them. (Captain Morgan notwithstanding)
- Guilting my son by pointing out that he did not “cone” properly when being born, his head remaining completely round all the way out. (Big honkin' rock hard skull filled with brains)
- Sporting a “Dog is Love” bumper sticker on the vehicle.
- Naming my vehicle Ursula. Because she hit a bear once on I-4.
- Identifying my spiritual beliefs to the door-to-door evangelists as Paganfarian and inviting them in for my “special tea” while barely restraining Janie the Snarling Drooling Foaming Labrador.
- Waving and yelling “Pick ME! PICK ME!” when audience participation is requested.
- Talking to the cats, in cat-speak, on the phone when calling in from vacation.
- Threatening to read Tarot Cards for profit at soccer games to raise funds for the team. (No up front investment, lucrative, people are crazy even in the ‘burbs…a win in my opinion... What???)
- Coming within a hair’s breadth of running out of gas on I-75 in BF Georgia because of excessive rocking out to 80’s hair bands on CD.
- Praying frantically out loud to the gods of the road to please just let us limp it in.
- Sweet talking the vehicle to just "hang in there.  I know you're thirsty. Just a little further...that's a good girl!"
- Coasting in downhill, on fumes, to the Stuckey’s gas stop on I-75 for a pecan log, a Nehi grape soda and discontinued Minnetonka Indian moccasins. And, oh yeah, gas.
- Sleeping, snoring and talking in my sleep in the car in public
- Aiming lit bottle rockets at the kids just to see them serpentine run while laughing hysterically. “I can’t beLIEVE you MOM, Grandma’s gonna KILL you!”
- Intoning the syllable “Moo!” everytime we pass an occupied pasture.
-  Making them sniff the milk when it’s past the date due.
- Announcing “Turd alert!” whenever pet excrement hits the floor indoors.
- Keeping “special” tongs and a spatula as essential tools of a Turd Alert Clean Up Kit.
- Accidentally incorporating the Turd Alert Clean Up Kit tools in normal kitchen activities. (Dishwasher sanitation notwwithstanding)
- Using the term "tool" to describe a frickin' idiot.
- Citing Pink as a genius for saying Kanye is a whole "toolbox."
- Capturing and relocating spiders, snakes, beetles and other animals just because they deserve to live even though they are poisonous maybe and/or could rip my face off.
- Challenging myself to run to the car to retrieve my cell phone in my panties and bra without being spotted.
- Fixing a sandwich by feel in the dark at 3 a.m. in the kitchen and expecting not to drop anything.
- Kicking the roasting pan, left on the floor since dinner for the dogs to “pre-wash,” that I couldn’t see in the dark in the kitchen at 3 a.m.
- Making good on a promise to go skinny-dipping in the lake, even just alone since nobody had enough huevos but me to do it….ah, whatever.

- Answering every Jeopardy question, in the form of a question, rapid-fire, with no chance of anyone else participating like a big damn egotistical show-off blow-hard bully bitch!
-  Getting carsick.
-  No, really, stop the car!
- Wearing Birkenstocks with a skirt.
- Wearing Birkenstocks at all.
- Pantsing the boy when his shorts are riding too low.
- Telling him to calm down, I used to diaper that butt!
- Explaining for the millionth time that the pants down around your butt cheeks fad has its origins in a prison communication method indicating a certain repulsive "availability."
- Creating an “epic fail” prison-style reverse Mohawk haircut on son by accident due to hubris with clippers.
- Giving in to MADD - Mom's Attention Deficit Disord  - What were you saying again?

3 comments:

  1. Beating teenaged son's high score on a video game.

    Saying "that's how I roll"

    Singing over all of the bleeped words in "The roof is on fire" when played on the radio

    Offering to pop a zit

    Having a larger friend list than your kids on Facebook

    Being on Facebook

    Posting "20 Things Only Your Mom Knows About You" on Facebook

    ReplyDelete
  2. qandlequeen! You SOOOO get it! Bwahahaahaha!

    ReplyDelete

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