Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My Uncool Behaviors As Observed By My Spawn

- Humiliating the dog by dressing her up.
- Using the term "epic fail" in a convo.
- Whipping out my clunky outdated Mavica digital camera.
- Singing and/or rocking out in the car.
- Rocking out anywhere.
- Rocking out anywhere utilizing air guitar or drums.
- Writing "I love you, Pumpkin" on their Facebook walls.
- Writing "I love you, Pumpkin" in the condensation on my car windows and dropping them off at school..
- Talking about how funny farts are.
- Especially their farts.
- Or the dog's.
- Actually farting.
- Boogie boarding.
- Wearing a straw cowboy hat to (their) sports events.
- Shouting overly personal things from the sidelines. -- Like "Fly, Tinkerbell, fly!" or "Win and you get chocolate!"
- Melting down in confusion while ordering at the McDonald's drive-through.
- Talking to complete strangers.
- Especially strangers at Wal*mart.
- Especially oddly dressed criminal-looking strangers at Wal*mart at 4 in the morning.
- Actually "getting" Dr. Tran videos & quoting from them.
- Picking them up anywhere, any time of day, in my nightgown.
- Making up pithy metaphors for every little life event.
- Texting. (It's not just for pre-pubescents anymore!).
- Attempting to discuss the merits and/or meaning of a song lyric.
- Publicly identifying tampons as either "high test" or "regular."
- Outing in writing their uncool behaviors.
- Mocking the "eye roll" and the "oh my GOD, Mom" mantra.
- Wishing out loud for menopause in a crowd.
- Providing tasty cocktails to soccer parents at the hotel on long tournament weekends.
- Jumping fully clothed into hotel pools with soccer parents at aforementioned tournaments.
- Executing rad cannonballs in said pool.
- Inquiring if I can sit in his Art History class because I just want to.
- Initiating and winning staring contests.
- "Disappearing" the torn miniscule short-shorts somewhere on the Turnpike near Yeehaw Junction, Florida.
- Repeating my impression of a local car dealer's pitchkid's voice: "Thish ish Preshton and we wanna shee ya in a Kia."
- Repeating stories over and over until they break down and say "I got it Mom!"
- Saying "boss" or "groovy" in context and with conviction.
- Insisting on providing hand sanitizer to everyone within a 10 foot radius.
-Defending and then proving that Diet Coke is the best productive medium, no contest,  for winning a burping competition.

Doesn't end there. Oh no! More to come. Book it!

5 comments:

  1. There's something wrong with fart humor?

    Tell them that things could be worse: the parents could all have jumped naked into the pool.

    By the way, in the picture, the dog is thinking, "I just tooted."

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  2. LMAO.
    I'm pretty much peeing my pants with laughter.

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  3. This post is BOSS!

    Thank you for sharing. I'm sure my son will realize one day how uncool I am, so I'm enjoying his years now. :)

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  4. I love this post. See my son rolling his eyes as I read it. (My nickname was Mortifying Mom. Still leverage it as necessary.)

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  5. Linnn... cracked me up this AM... needed it... High Test... that's funny :)

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