Saturday, May 30, 2015

Do's & Donuts: A Moony Off-Kilter View of Things




NOVEMBER 23, 2010 6:30AM

Do's & Donuts: A Moony Off-Kilter View of Things

 



Dos & Donuts, next morning, early. Cecil, clean and groomed, sits at the picnic table in clear anticipation, a pocket knife and a large raw piece of wood in front of him for whittling. Veeta emerges from her donuts shop, apron dusty with flour, with a steaming cup of coffee and a big glazed donut setting them in front of Cecil. He delicately sips and eats, silently savoring breakfast, and begins whittling. Mira arrives, high heels clicking. She snags Veeta by the arm walking her to the far corner of the porch…
MIRA
(Whispering quickly, dramatically) Everything looks great Veeta! You got all the blood up. How is our “client?” I won’t let anyone in to the facial room until we can move him tonight late…I been thinking. Let’s just put him in the hospital parking lot right before shift change tonight. Someone’ll see him and, “bada-bing,” he’s dealt with. I brought my personal supply of valiums to put in his water to keep him knocked out…
          
Suddenly a very elderly woman, Firelight Whitmire, scoots onto the porch in a hover-round motorized wheelchair, oxygen tank strapped to the side with tubing leading to her nose. She drives to a rest between the sisters.
FIRELIGHT
Goooood mornin’ my little butter beans. Time for breakfast…I got a taste for bacon today…
VEETA
Mama! In a second honey…
MIRA
Veeta! Our “client?”
VEETA
MIRA! Shut…up! He’s gone. And no more New York cop shows for you. What’s this “bada-bing”?
FIRELIGHT
It’s what “eye tal yun” guys say, Veeta.
MIRA
(Steering Veeta away from Firelight, whispering, with rising panic) Gone? He can’t be gone. He must’ve crawled off somewhere. Did you look in the attic? How about under the shop? Under the porch?
FIRELIGHT
That possum back in your attic Veeta? Just let me sit out here one night with your Daddy’s shotgun and “bada bing” no more possum.
VEETA
He’s just gone Mira. Let it lie.
FIRELIGHT
‘Course gotta do it right with the first shot or they crawl off and die somewhere private-like and next thing you know there’s a stink…whew!!
MIRA
Oh my GAWD! (She collapses in a chair) What did you DO?
VEETA
What did I do? For the love ‘a … I did nothing. He left on his own…somehow. Now, I’ve opened up Donuts and you just open up Do’s. Get to teasing up some big Tammy Wynette hair. It’s like it never happened. Right Mama?
FIRELIGHT
That’s right Veeta. Never happened. I’m goin’in. All this talk about your possum’s makin’ me hungry. (She wheels into the donut shop.)
VEETA
Nothin’ is even missing except that bottle of peroxide and some towels. The crossbow bolts. And your dress.
MIRA
Oh poo! I was going to return it.
VEETA
Do you see? He took all the evidence. I think we got lucky. He missed your cash box. So, as I see it in the light of day, it was just a bad dream and it’s over.
MIRA
(Shaky) Well, if you say so Veeta.
VEETA
I say so.
MIRA
We have to keep this secret forever, Veeta.
VEETA
Yep. I will.
MIRA
We’ve got to take the oath…
VEETA
No oath Mira. That was just some voodoo Mama made up. She’s always been a couple of rollers short of a perm…
MIRA
We have to take the oath! It’s the only thing that’ll bind us. And I don’t want anyone to know about this because of Earl.
VEETA
No.
MIRA
Yes.
VEETA
No
          They stare each other down.
MIRA
Yes!
VEETA
No!
MIRA
(Exasperated) But why ever not?
VEETA
It’s stupid and I promise not to talk of this ever again. That should be enough.
MIRA
Well, I don’t think it’s enough Velveeta Whitmire.
VEETA
Hush up!! WE took the oath never to say our full names in public. You just broke it!
MIRA
(In a whisper) Velveeta! Velveeta! Velveeta!
VEETA
Oh my God! I’m going to knock you square into Buncombe County if you don’t cut it out.
MIRA
VELLLL-VEEEEETA!
          Cecil is startled from his whittling and looks at the sisters.
VEETA
(Pushing Mira) Stop it!
MIRA
(Pushing back) VELLLLLLL-VEEEETA!
VEETA
(She rears back and lets fly…) MIRRRRRACLE WHHHIP!!
MIRA
Oh you BITCH!
          They push and slap each other until they stop teary and out of breath and look at each other and Cecil with some shame.
VEETA
Just our luck to have a Mama who named us after her favorite luncheon sandwich.
MIRA
I suspect the next Whitmire child would’ve been named Wonder Bread, had there been one. I always wanted a little brother…
VEETA
That’s what Daddy loved about Mama. Her peculiarities. He loved her ever since she walked barefoot down from the mountains with that moony, off-kilter view of things. Who knows what kin we have way back up there in the coves around Panthertail.
MIRA
Yeah, and I don’t want to know. Veeta, the oath?
VEETA
The oath, then. Cecil would you kindly avert your eyes and plug your ears. This is family stuff.
          They link arms at the elbows, and cross pinkies with their free hands and stand on one foot.
MIRA
Upon our honor, we take the Hangdog Holler oath, that the events of the last 24 hours are a family secret, not to be spoken of again. I do solemnly swear…
VEETA
As do I. Reluctantly.
          They unlink arms and pull their pinkies apart, stop a second, and hug. Up on to the porch comes Mira’s first client, Mrs. Galloway, a regular with a big purse.
MRS. GALLOWAY
G’morning Veeta honey. Bring me one of those bearclaws and a cup of chicory will you? To hell with my blood sugar. C’mon Mira. I am a lady barely clingin’ to whatever I got left in the looks department. Let’s start the engines…
         Mira looks at Veeta pleadingly.
VEETA
Go on girl. We’re ok.
MIRA
Hey Mizz Galloway. Let’s just make you even prettier than you already are!
MRS. GALLOWAY
That’s why I like you Mira. You’re so full of hogwash! You just got to quit sniffing all that hair spray that’s all. Then you’ll be fine…
         Mira and Mrs. Galloway link arms and march into the beauty salon.
         Veeta walks over and taps Cecil on the shoulder who still has his eyes closed and ears plugged. He looks up and smiles at her and commences to whittling and eating again.
         Willis arrives for breakfast, and walks toward the shop with Veeta.
WILLIS
No end to the calls last night, trouble all around, Veeta. I sure could use some coffee with that special sugar you have here. (He pecks her on the cheek) Haven’t slept.
VEETA
Ah damn it, Willis, more than what happened here?
WILLIS
Yep. Somebody stole Zeke’s pickup over in Cold Mountain. Found it at Berry’s Diner near the tracks.
VEETA
Get a description? Anybody see him?
WILLIS
No one saw him. Don’t know how the guy did all that. So much blood…Seemed like he was half bled out.
VEETA
Oh my word! Sounds like one tough fella I’m sure. Too bad he didn’t let anyone help him.
WILLIS
Oh, he had help…We just gotta find out who that’s all.
VEETA
Well we sure had a dark moon over us last night didn’t we? Let’s get you that coffee. Your eyes look like two burnt holes in a blanket.
WILLIS
Wait a second. Hold your horses woman. Was I dreamin’ or did I propose marriage to you last night?
VEETA
I believe you did.
WILLIS
Did you say yes?
VEETA
Not yet.
WILLIS
Gonna say yes?
VEETA
Maybe. Depends.
WILLIS
On what?
VEETA
Where’s my ring?
WILLIS
Oh, yeah. Ok. I’ll be back with one.
VEETA
Yes you will!
         She opens the door for him, he goes through.  She smacks him in the rear and he lets out an amused hoot. She pauses and shivers and then goes in herself.  Just the start of another day in Mishap Gap.
End of Act 1

Comments

My Gd I am loving this. Rated.
This is the first running screenplay I've read on OS and It's going super. I can just picture this happening and that is special!
Thank you gentlemen! I am so flattered that you are enjoying this story even though it is presented quite differently than usual here at OS. I would love to see it staged or filmed someday. Who knows?
Who would you cast in the roles? I like Saradan as Veeta. Someone mentioned that. Morgan Freeman as Cecil. I thought Randy Quaid as Earl, up until recently. (!) Mira? Don't know yet... Firelight? Betty White? She could do Mrs. Galloway too. Interested in knowing the thoughts of those following the play.
I like Sarandon as anything......
I'll take a Boston Cream, and two toasted coconut.
Comin' right up, Chief!
Just keeps getting richer . . . Velveeta and Miracle Whip? I wonder if I've heard worse . . . oh yeah, there was this guy in New Orleans named Daiqueri . . . his brother's name was Jack . . .
Linn.. I still think that Quaid can do it.. What about the other brother?
rated with hugs
Dennis has a good looking yet menacing thing going on as well. Good idea Linda!
We have a little theater in our neighborhood that stages plays like this all the time. It would be a big hit. How about Mary Louise Parker for Mira?

Lezlie
Love it.

As I said in PM - Mos Def, Mos Def, Mos Def. He is an amazing actor. Morgan Freeman, great as he is, has plenty of work and I don't see Mos Def enough.

The thing about Sarandon, there's something about her, SS always comes through her roles. A sense of some cultured tones in her voice. I can't see her as an effective - dare I say? - hillbilly. I know there are many talented 40ish actresses out there who don't get enough work. Something to think about while I clean the damn kitchen today.
And Randy Quaid - oh yeah. Even more so now.
Boy this is interesting...
I can´t wait
R
I love Helen Miren as one of the women. Danny Glover? The Dude as the old mean bastard. Nah, the Dude is too nice!
Damn TV. My mind keeps automatically plugging vampires in, and I bet that has nothing to do with it! (My great aunts, Ina and Melvina, would have loved it. And yes, real names.)
Ok, so where did he go, and how? Am I back to vamps again? Need the next scene!
This is too good for the likes of us! I want an autograph!
And I am stealing "Mooney Off-Kilter View Of Things."!
"Where’s my ring?" Linnnn....I'm dying here, who cares who will play it? Stop responding and keep writing before I become even more off kilter myself. You aren't going to take a break for the holiday are you?

Sorry, I'm one of those who will stay up all night finishing the last 150 pages of a good book. You little temptress, I need more now...
what xenon/zuma said. i'm off to the last one for today, and i'll be caught up!!! whoooooo.
Actually, peroxide cleans blood. And vodka? that's for the wound, right? No? Ohhhhh...


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