Do’s & Donuts about 3 am. The porch is quiet. Headlights sweep the
front of the shop again and the sound of gravel crunches as someone gets out of
a car and stumbles uncertainly up onto the porch. He is a large man, dressed in
a suit in which he looks entirely out of place. He slouches into a chair,
breathing heavily. He cradles a red Solo “to go” cup and says in a quiet
Mira, you come on down here now. We’re goin’ home.
(From above window) I’m stayin’ here tonight Earl.
No. Nope. You’re not. Let’s go.
No, honey, I’m all settled in. I’ll be home to make you breakfast, I
Mira, get your ass down here NOW! He flings a chair. Mira and Veeta appear on the circular staircase fully
dressed. Mira’s party dress is gone, replaced by slacks and blouse.
EARL, you will now get off my porch.
(Prowling around looking at things, he focuses on the pup
Make me, bitch. Mira move it!
(Whispering) Damn, he’s still worked up. I got to go Veeta or he’ll
get too riled. You can give our “client” the best care anyway. I’ll be ok.
(Louder) I’m comin’, honey, hang on. How ‘bout I make you a nice big
cup of coffee when we get home?
(Whispering) Damn it, Mira…Don’t you dump this on me…
I’ll see you in the morning. Just stay cool. Sorry I puked.
That’s ok. But Mira…
What’s this? (Slowly drawing out the moment) Upon closer inspection,
I see that you have been up to no good, Miss Veeta. Yessiree. (Mira and
Veeta look fearfully from the stairs trying to see what has caught his
attention.) I see evidence of quite an infraction of the LAW here. There is
PHYSICAL evidence right here for anyone to see. And because I am RELATED to you
by marriage, I am going to help you DISPOSE of it, so no one will see fit to
haul your sorry ass into court. Why, if I don’t help you with this dilemma, sis,
you could do time. And although it would bring me great pleasure to think of
what they'd do to you in jail, I feel a certain kinship here. (Mira and Veeta start down the stairs)
Veeta, dear sister-in-law, (He shouts) you still housing the
homeless here? You stupid cow, you’re lowering the value of the real estate with
this little tramp camp. My property value and everyone else’s is in danger of
goin' tits up because of your half-assed notion of social responsibility. He circles the pup tent as a man clad in long johns emerges
from it and backs away into the shadows.
You better get a move on Cecil…Time to MOVE ON! He kicks over the tent and rips down all of Cecil’s belongings,
stomping everything in his path. He then topples over every wooden figurine on
(Producing and cocking a large shotgun) Be on your way Earl, NOW!
I called Willis.
(Sneering) “I called Willis.” Tonto to the rescue! Cherokee freak.
(He puts on “Indian” voice) Kimo sabe save white woman from bad man,
and make her his squaw. Ugh! You like the way he makes a teepee Veeta? Taking Mira by the back of her blouse and quick-stepping her
from the porch -
Get in your car, Mira. G’night, sister-in-law. Looking forward to a jelly
filled one after church on Sunday, darlin’. Car doors slam and gravel churns as Earl peals out of the
parking lot with the sounds of Mira’s car traveling behind. Vera uncocks the
shotgun and slumps.